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Personal decision-making is all about creating a strategy that works for you, one that helps you avoid mistakes, regrets, and decisions you cannot undo. Just like we take steps to keep our health in check and to avoid getting sick, you can take steps to prevent making bad choices in life. When you develop your own way of thinking and deciding, you will be able to make wiser choices, even when things feel uncertain. This strategy will also help you stay calm and avoid burning out when challenges arise.

There are many preventive actions we take in different areas of life:

Preventive care for your health helps to stop diseases before they start. Getting regular check-ups, vaccinations, flu shots, screenings, and making healthy changes to your lifestyle all work to prevent problems from happening in the first place.

Preventive safety means doing things to keep yourself safe, like wearing a seatbelt in the car, using a helmet while biking, or keeping a fire extinguisher nearby in case of fire.

Preventive financial planning helps you make smart money choices. By saving a little each month, you can avoid money problems down the road and have a financial cushion in case of an emergency.

Preventive communication is about learning how to talk and listen in ways that prevent misunderstandings or arguments before they start. Communicating clearly and staying calm helps keep things from escalating into bigger problems.

Preventive disaster planning involves being ready for unexpected events like storms or fires. If you know a storm is coming, you might stock up on water, buy extra batteries, or check that your emergency kit is ready.

Preventive law means taking action to avoid legal trouble before it happens. This could involve reviewing contracts, seeking advice to manage risks, or setting rules to protect yourself from future legal issues.

Preventive legal & end-of-life planning means you get control and peace of mind, while easing the burden on your loved ones. 

Just like these preventive actions, personal decision-making with vikacoaching is about thinking ahead, taking proactive steps to develop a strategy for making smart choices, and staying prepared so you can handle whatever life throws at you without feeling overwhelmed.

Have you ever felt you are stuck making the same decisions over and over? Or wondered why some choices feel automatic while others feel impossible to change? Turns out, it might not be just willpower, it could be our genes.

Genes that regulate dopamine, like DBH and COMT, help shape how we think, plan, and adapt. They shape how we handle impulsivity, cognitive flexibility, working memory, and exploratory behavior, all of which are key to decision-making.

Why does this matter?

– If dopamine is not reabsorbed, old habits stick, making it tough to break patterns.

– If dopamine lingers too long, we struggle to learn new behaviors and keep repeating past choices, even bad ones.

– If dopamine clears too quickly, we may struggle with consistency and abandon behaviors too soon.

The good news?

Genes are not a life sentence. Awareness is power. When we understand our tendencies, we can build better habits, take control of our decisions, and shape the future we want.

I am not a hard scientist, but I am really interested in personal decision-making. If you want to explore more, below are some scientific articles to check out.

Dopamine & Behavioral Flexibility.

Distinct roles for dopamine clearance mechanisms in regulating behavioral flexibility – PMC COMT Gene & Decision-Making.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8872990/

The effect of COMT Val158 Met genotype on decision-making and preliminary findings on its interaction with the 5-HTTLPR in healthy females

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18983999/

If you are in the field of decision-making, I would love to hear your perspective on personal decision-making, and let’s connect!

We are living in a constant state of sensory overload, and it is draining our focus. Toxic dopamine comes from distractions like social media, YouTube, gaming, junk food, alcohol, and endless entertainment. This overstimulation hijacks our brain’s dopamine system, giving us instant pleasure, but leaving us feeling empty, less satisfied and more distracted in the long run.

Here is where high-quality (low dopamine activities) dopamine comes from. These activities do not offer instant gratification, but they lead to more meaningful, long-term satisfaction and to get most of it requires the ability to activate your five senses:

-Reading (especially non-fiction)

-Writing, journaling, or working on personal projects

-Exercising or doing something that requires effort

-Going for walks or just spending time in silence

-Building and nurturing meaningful relationships

-Establishing daily routines and focusing on tasks that need your full attention

-Scheduling high-dopamine activities, but in a controlled, intentional way

Sometimes, you just need to reset. Take a day or two to step back, cut out those instant-gratification distractions, and focus on what truly nurtures you.

Dopamine is not just about feeling good. It is the force behind what you crave, the risks you take, and the habits you build.

It shapes:

-What you anticipate

-How you evaluate risks

-The habits you form

-Why addiction happens

But dopamine works differently in different parts of your brain:

-Reptilian Brain (Survival Mode)

Drives instincts for safety, food, and dominance.

-Mammalian Brain (Emotional Center)

Fuels social bonds, motivation, and emotional responses.

-Neocortex (Thinking Brain)

Helps you plan, weigh risks, and work toward long-term goals.

When these systems are in balance, you make better decisions.

When they are not, dopamine can pull you in directions that do not serve you.

The more you understand it, the better you can manage impulses, make smarter choices, and align your actions with your long-term goals.

Dopamine runs the show when it comes to decision-making.

It pushes us toward choices based on expected rewards, be it an experience, an object, or a feeling.

Novelty & surprises = dopamine boost.

Routine & easy access = dopamine drop.

Did you know?

Low dopamine is linked to Parkinson’s, while too much is linked to Schizophrenia.

Dopamine fuels addictions—spiking temporarily, then fading, leaving us chasing the next hit.

Too much = addiction & compulsive behaviors.

Too little = lack of motivation, low energy, & inability to feel pleasure.

Balance is key!

When balanced, it helps us focus & take action. But too much? It can hijack your brain. Stay aware, stay in control.

Ever considered how your feelings shape your decisions? Sometimes, we realize their impact only after the fact and might regret them later.

Our biases are like subtle guides, quietly influencing our choices from the shadows of our minds, impacting choices without our realization.

We all possess both conscious and unconscious biases. The latter often work behind the scenes, unnoticed.

Implicit bias, a form of unconscious bias, shapes how we perceive and interact with individuals from different social groups.

Remember, biases don’t define us as good or bad; they’re just part of being human. Taking a moment to contemplate our choices allows us to strive for fairness and open-mindedness. Without this introspection, we risk falling into double standards and hypocrisy.

Biases influence every decision and significantly impact our quality of life.

There are various types of biases:

1️⃣ Behavior Biases (how we act)

2️⃣ Cognitive Biases (how we think)

3️⃣ Emotional Biases (how we feel)

Behavioral biases – those subtle, sometimes irrational beliefs and actions that guide our decision-making process. They encompass both cognitive and emotional biases.

Cognitive bias arises from our brain’s tendency to simplify information processing, relying on personal experiences and existing knowledge. Examples include confirmation, optimism, negativity, anchoring, availability, survivorship biases, and more. These color our choices.

Emotional biases come from quick decisions driven by strong feelings, often rooted in our background. They have a significant influence on what we choose. Examples include self-control, overconfidence, pessimism, regret aversion, endowment, status quo biases, and others. These factors sway our decisions.

Biases play a role in all decisions, influencing how our lives unfold.

Let’s take a look at some familiar biases:

Anchoring Bias: This is when our minds tend to favor information received early on in the decision-making process.

Availability Heuristic: This bias relies on easily accessible information that quickly comes to mind. It’s influenced by how readily we can recall examples.

Framing Bias: The way options are presented to us, whether positively or negatively, can significantly impact the choices we make.

Confirmation Bias: This is a cognitive bias where our minds tend to seek out information that aligns with our existing beliefs.

Understanding these biases helps us make more informed and balanced decisions!

When we take the time to consider our own biases, we open doors to more opportunities, gain more autonomy in our decision-making, and reduce decisions influenced by bias. Self-awareness and reflection empower us to make well-considered and optimal choices in our lives.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

Prof. Albus Dumbledore

Forgot to share my milestone!

In June of this year I made my first presentation at the annual Emotion-Image Therapy (EIT) conference (V Ежегодная конференция: Все грани эмоционально-образной терапии, eotconf.ru) where I introduced how methods of EIT can be used in helping people make challenging life altering decisions. Participating at the conference was a step stone for me as I am developing my masterclass, where I will teach how EIT techniques can be used in decision making.

We live in an environment where our choices are willingly or unwillingly architected. We are presented with choices in a way that influences our decisions. We, ourselves, are choice architects when we frame information to self or others. The way we frame the information always influences range of options we see available to us and the decisions we make.

EIT has unique and effective techniques that allow people to see beyond architected choices. It allows us to see broader, it helps to clear intuition, integrates logical and illogical mind, and brings us to the present, a place where best choices are made and future is created.

For example, I had a client who was not sure if she wanted a second child. She felt like her biological clock was ticking. She felt that she would lose the opportunity to have a second child if she doesn’t get pregnant now. After working with me she realized that her main motivation to have a second child was to follow family tradition, where all relatives had two children. Becoming aware of her real motivation she felt that it was not a good reason to have a second child.

I do not make choices or give suggestions to my clients, but I help them connect with themselves in a way that brings up their true motivation for making a particular choice. When they are clear on what truly motivates them, when they become aware of the driving force behind their choices it is up to them to make the choice.

My goal is to help my clients swim in the right direction. It is not enough to know the swimming technique, you also need to know the directions otherwise you can be swimming to the bottom of the ocean.

I use EIT techniques to help calibrate wants, needs and abilities so that my clients see clearly their authentic motivation and direction.

Decision making with vikacoaching.com

Our cognitive biases such as overconfidence or underconfidence bias lead us to decisions that we later regret.  

Are you able to find a balance without either pumping yourself up or putting yourself down?

Many of our decisions come from our inner child.

Inner child can be healthy and adequate, playful, spontaneous and creative.

Inner child can be in distress, frustrated, angry, jealous, scared, sad and needy.  He/she can sabotage any growth because he/she feels overwhelmed by his/her feelings.

He/she might feel that he/she will not be able to tolerate it and something horrible will happen to them if they let the feelings in.

Healthy and adequate inner child doesn’t need any help in decision making, but an inner child who sabotages his/her growth needs someone who holds his/her hand until he/she develops an inner caring parent and adult.  

Without uncovering and developing caring inner parents, the inner child will keep digging a deeper hole for him/herself.  

Unfortunately with time getting oneself out of the self created hole will be more and more challenging. 

Vital energy will diminish and a person will go down into the spiral.  

Supportive inner parent can take care of the inner child’s needs in an adequate way, with healthy boundaries, without spoiling or indulging him/her.  

Developing a nurturing inner parent will make the person whole and autonomous, he/she will not need to lean on the opinions of others.  

He/she will feel grounded, calm and adequate regardless of what happens outside. And from this inner state decision making is easy.

Decision making with vikacoaching.com

Pete the Cat has woken up grumpy and nothing seems to be going his way. It was his first time to have “the blue cat blues”. On his walk he meets a friend who offers Pete “cool, blue, magic sunglasses” to help him see things in a whole new way. And true, with the sunglasses “the birds are singing. The sky is bright. The sun is shining.” As Pete strolls he meets mad squirrel, frustrated turtle, and sad alligator to whom he offered the magic sunglasses. This sunglasses made everyone happy, but one time Pete fell and broke the magic sunglasses. Pete didn’t know what to do without those magical sunglasses. Pete meets Wise Old Owl who says: “Pete, you don’t need magic sunglasses to see things in a new way.”

This children’s story by James and Kimberly Dean made me think about how sometimes we are wearing sunglasses that color everything bright, other times sunglasses that color the world dark, and rarely we find sunglasses that color the world in natural colors, without extremes. And there are times we are not even aware that we are wearing sunglasses. When shades are dark, we only see and focus on the negative and forget that the positive exists. Our emotional tones lead to mental filtering that disregards any positives.

Mental filtering reinforces our emotions, thoughts, and actions. Our actions keep reinforcing our thoughts and emotions about situation, and either bring us into deeper hole or take us out of it. The way out of the hole is our awareness, our ability to replenish and direct our vital energy into actions that will lead us out of the hole. Awareness is first step of getting us out of autopilot, it can bring clarity to our perceptions. However, it is not enough to be aware of the issue or to know your direction or to set an intention. What is also important is to be smart on how we use our life energy, on refreshing our values and priorities, on setting boundaries, on our ability to leave people and situations that are thriving on conflict.

The quality of our awareness, vital energy determines our choices and actions, thus the quality of our life.

Decision making with vikacoaching.com

Today we visited the Planet Word museum. It was an incredible immersion into the history and art of language. I learned that 40% of languages that exist today are endangered. Among about 6000 languages in the world there are only 23 that are used.

Languages get endangered for many reasons. The main reason for endangerment is due to conflicts between cultures, which leads to language repression. Some languages that are disappearing: Irish Gaelic, Yiddish, Ladino, Kurdish, Hawaiian, Navajo or Lakota.

To raise awareness about endangered and Indigenous languages, professionals recommend writing books for children in the language and to sing songs in it.

It was also fun to learn about conlang, a language that has been artificially created, mainly for books and movies. One of the conlang creators is J.R.R. Tolkien. There are a few conlangs: sindarin, esperanto, klingon, dothraki, toki pona and heptapod B. Heptapod B sounds really interesting, it got me interested in the movie it comes from. The time for movie characters is non-linearly, so their language symbols are circular.

There are four main language features, namely: building blocks (sounds, words, signs), rules (how to put building blocks together), infinite combinations (ability to create infinite combinations that make sense), and past, future and imaginary (animal’s cannot talk about things that are not right in front of them, they cannot describe past/future or things that are totally made up).

I am becoming more and more fascinated with words, especially with their etymology. For example, did you know that the meaning of the word “decide” comes from the Latin word, decidere, which is a combination of two words?

Here:

de = ‘off’ +

caedere = ‘cut’

CUT + OFF = DECISION

Language has it all, to decide means to CUT OFF the things that do not matter and you will be left with what really matters to you.

Decision making with vikacoaching.com

What a journey, I just finished a year long training in working with psychosomatic issues using emotion-image therapy (EIT). The training was about how EIT techniques can be supportive in treatment of physical illness, how it can improve effectiveness of conventional therapy, prevent recurrences, and be a preventive measure for not developing the illness.

Psychosomatics is not my specialty, but studying it theoretically and experientially allowed me to get in touch with inner conflicts, which were still running on the back burner. It was a difficult journey, but it allowed me to address unresolved inner issues. The better I understand myself, the more I untangle myself the better and more effectively I am at helping my clients.

This training gave me another layer of depth of understanding. Looking at symptoms from a metaphoric point of view opens a whole new angle for self-understanding. It leads to self-discoveries that otherwise are inaccessible.

So many topics are covered: musculoskeletal, respiratory, reproductive, digestive, urinary, circulatory, cardiovascular and immune systems among other topics.

Psychosomatics is such a fascinating topic, so many metaphors that bring inner psychological conflicts to surface. It is such a creative way to work with yourself.

This kind of self-exploration, exploration of a symptom or illness expedites maturity, leads to acceptance of responsibility, in taking a proactive role in one’s own life and decisions that lead to healthy life in all areas.

This training was developed and led by Тамара Смирнова (Tamara Smirnova) at https://ei-t.ru/

We like to believe that we make decisions rationally and objectively. But in reality, we all are biased, and biases influence the choices we make.

Our biases do not make us bad or good humans, they make us humans. We have conscious and unconscious biases. When people have the change to reflect on their decision, for the most part they become unbiased. Our bias influences every decision we make and thus our quality of life.

Allowing ourselves to slow down, to reflect, to use critical thinking, to work through difficult emotions: anger, envy, resentment, guilt, shame and fear will allow us to reevaluate our beliefs and values, make adequate and optimal choices in our life.

Behavioral biases are irrational beliefs or behaviors that unconsciously influence our decision-making process. Behavior bias consists of cognitive and emotional biases.

Cognitive bias is a systematic thought process in decision making that arises from how to obtain information. It is the human brain’s tendency to simplify information processing through a filter of personal experience and preferences. Examples of cognitive bias that affect our decisions: confirmation bias, optimism bias, negativity bias, anchoring bias, availability bias, survivorship bias, etc.

Emotional bias, an impulse accompanied by strong feelings. It typically occurs spontaneously based on the personal feelings of an individual at the time a decision is made. They may be deeply rooted in personal experiences that influence decision-making. Examples of emotional bias that affect our decisions: self-control bias, overconfidence bias, pessimism bias, regret aversion, endowment bias, status quo bias, etc.

Different ways to reflect on your decisions and choices. I developed a method that is creative and effective, dm me.

Decision making with vikacoaching.com

Economics is the study of how we make choices. And we cannot make a choice without telling ourselves a story. Stories we tell about ourselves, about others and about the world provoke certain feelings in us, which in turn lead us to make a particular choice. There is even a field called narrative economics, which studies how stories drive the economy by influencing our decisions.

Stories we tell ourselves depend on our emotional state, which can be either disturbed, fearful, depressed or settled, calm, stable. Optimal decisions come when your mind and heart are able to communicate with each other. When they are disconnected our decisions bring more regrets and dissatisfaction.

The connection is possible when we are aware of our chronic negative emotional states and are able to process them in a constructive way. When chronic negative emotions are processed constructively, stories we tell ourselves change, which leads to choices that bring health, joy, fulfilling relationships and creativity.

Decision making with vikacoaching.com

About seven years ago I took a course called Literature and Mental Health, I wanted to better understand how bibliotherapy works. I learned that through reading poetry, specific metrical stresses, rhymes, can help us cope with our emotional stress. And that Sidney’s sonnets and Austen’s Sense and Sensibility can teach us about suffering and recovering from a broken heart. And Shakespere’s Hamlet and poems by Wordsworth and Hardy can help us think differently about the grieving process. And PTSD, which is depicted in war poetry, can give an insight into other sources of trauma. And that people choose particular texts during periods of depression, and that there could be a link between bipolar disorder and creativity. And that Shakespeare’s King Lear is one of the greatest studies of ageing and that it might be helpful to think about this play in the context of dementia.

Bibliotherapy can be helpful because sometimes we need someone to put words to our experience, to what we feel. By reading someone’s story, observation, reflection or emotional process we can make sense of our own situation and feelings. It can help us to self-reflect. However, which material will bring relief or insight is subjective. But the process of searching for the right words, in itself, can give a different perspective and a different angle to look at our experiences.

Literature can either help us or hinder us. It can be toxic or innocuous or elevating. Being mindful about what you put into your mental pot is crucial because the pot will produce thoughts and feelings, which will lead to certain behavior, choices and decisions.

Which literature uplifts you?

I work with mentally healthy people who are functional in the world, but want more, they want to improve some parts of their life and reach their full potential.

I work with people who are mature and motivated, but got stuck for some reasons.

I work with people who experience: loneliness, procrastination,  issues with personal boundaries, emotional dependency,  emotional intellect, existential questions and difficulty in making decisions.

My main expertise is in working with chronic negative emotions such as shame, guilt, jealousy, envy, anger, sadness, fear, etc.

I work with people who tried every other coaching tool and still are unable to get what they want.

I work with people who tried various types of therapy approaches, but still have a missing piece.

I work with people who never had experience with therapy or coaching. 

I do not work with such conditions as major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline disorder, suicidal ideation, bulimia, schizophrenia, acute grieving, etc.

I do not give a diagnosis or perform any psychological testing.

Schedule your free 15-minute online consultation to determine if we are a good match to work together.

https://calendly.com/victoriya_mak

Two major factors that prevent people from making optimal decisions are:

1. Immaturity, the fear of growing up and taking psychological responsibility for oneself. Often it shows up as inability to make a choice, or there are two choices that are attractive, but are incompatible. In this case a person is not understanding their values and priorities and that makes it hard for them to set boundaries and to make decisions. Often a person feels fragmented, as if parts of him/her are missing. They often remind wind vanes, they change their direction easily, they do not yet developed the core, the foundation, ability to lean on self. They could be compared to being teenagers eternally, never going through “initiation” into becoming an adult.

2. Unhealthy attachment, ambivalent feelings toward something. For example, a desire to move out of a parent’s house and a desire to stay with parents. A desire to quit smoking and a desire to keep smoking.

Inability to make decisions can lead to chronic stress, tension in the body, and various health problems. The more optimally you decide, the less problems you will have in all areas of life be it in finances, health, relationships, self-realization.

If you need help with decision making, contact me.

Answer following three questions:

1. Did the quality of your life improve after making this choice?

2. Did it bring more joy in your everyday life?

3. Did it inspire your healthy creativity?

If your answers are ‘yes’, you made the right choice and the right decision.

If your answers are ‘no’, you didn’t make an optimal choice.

Reflect on what went wrong, learn from your mistake and move on.

If you keep ruminating over the mistake,

if you make the same mistakes over and over,

if you have a challenging time to reflect and gain insight out of your mistakes, it is time to get help.

If you keep making decisions that do not bring joy, do not increase the quality of your life, and do not motivate you to create something you never did before, contact me.

According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 18 to 25 year olds felt that accepting responsibility for the consequences of their actions is one of four indicators of adulthood, and it is the most important of four criteria.

Julie Lythcott-Haims in her book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success lists the four criteria:

(1) accepting responsibility for the consequences of your actions;

(2) establishing a relationship with parents as an equal adult;

(3) being financially independent from parents; and

(4) deciding on beliefs/values independently of parents/other influences.

But how do you learn to take responsibility for your actions? And how do you make choices and decisions?

In the children’s book, What Should Danny Do? authors help to empower kids by showing them how choices shape their days and ultimately their lives into what they will be.

In our present we create our future. Some choices are small and insignificant, but some are big and can alter our life.

Ability to make choices, be accountable and responsible for consequences is the key criteria of being an adult.

In stress we often regress and make choices based on patterns of behavior we learned in our childhood.

Some of the patterns are infantile and destructive, some are adequate and healthy.

Choices we make under stress are a major indicator of our growth.

Reacting adequately in stress is an indicator of our maturity, authentic growth and spirituality.

Sometimes inner conflict lies in discerning reality from illusion.

For example, when we are trying to achieve a goal and face an obstacle. The goal or the obstacle can be real or illusory. Discerning reality from illusion or fantasy will resolve the inner conflict.

Sometimes we have ambivalent feelings towards the same object. There are no obstacles on the way to or from the object, but we have two opposite forces towards it: attraction and repulsion. Finding the root of the opposite forces and emotions would help with resolving the inner conflict.

Sometimes we want two incompatible objects at the same time and are faced with the choice problem. Understanding our deep drive, not the craving, but the underlying unmet need, one that is often coming from early childhood would help in making that optimal and adequate choice.

When I read the Cherokee Story about two wolves, I think about our ability to attend to our inner conflict, not to run from it, not to deny it, not to displace it, not to distract from it, but to attend to it in a loving way.

“You see, if I only choose to feed the white wolf, the black one will be hiding around every corner waiting for me to become distracted or weak and jump to get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and always fighting the white wolf. But if I acknowledge him, he is happy and the white wolf is happy and we all win. For the black wolf has many qualities – tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strong-willed and great strategic thinking – that I have need of at times and that the white wolf lacks. But the white wolf has compassion, caring, strength and the ability to recognize what is in the best interest of all.

“You see, son, the white wolf needs the black wolf at his side. To feed only one would starve the other and they will become uncontrollable. To feed and care for both means they will serve you well and do nothing that is not a part of something greater, something good, something of life. Feed them both and there will be no more internal struggle for your attention. And when there is no battle inside, you can listen to the voices of deeper knowing that will guide you in choosing what is right in every circumstance. Peace, my son, is the Cherokee mission in life. A man or a woman who has peace inside has everything. A man or a woman who is pulled apart by the war inside him or her has nothing.

“How you choose to interact with the opposing forces within you will determine your life. Starve one or the other or guide them both.”

–Cherokee Story

This post is inspired by a few recent discussions about envy and jealousy. It took me years of self-study and research to understand the difference between envy and jealousy. Let alone to admit that I experience those feelings.

First, I thought envy and jealousy are synonyms.

Second, admitting to self or others of experiencing those feelings was shameful because many people judge those feelings one-sided, they only see reasons behind unhealthy jealousy that might indicate feelings of insecurity, inferiority or inadequacy.

However, there is also healthy jealousy, which exists in the animal world as well, and the purpose of it is a fight for resources. Jealousy is a survival mechanism. One who is jealous guards emotional or financial resources and in this case jealousy comes from sincere care.

Those who interact with animals such as dogs, horses, cats and birds know that their animals do experience jealousy, is it because they feel inferior or inadequate?

In 2014 Christine Harris and Caroline Prouvost at the University of California, San Diego did a study of jealousy in dogs and she found that “when dogs saw their owners interacting with a fake but realistic dog, the dogs displayed more aggression in the form of biting and snapping, plus more attention-seeking and disruption of interaction.”

https://lnkd.in/g8KpeN6n

And the difference between jealousy and envy can be put this way:

Jealousy always involves three people (or animals). The one who is jealous, one whom he is jealous of and one to whom he is jealous.

In envy there are two people and an object, quality or resource. There is one who envies, one whom he envies, and one what he envies.

Distinguishing the two emotions is crucial because different strategies are needed to use these emotions for personal growth.

For many an expression of changing oneself sounds like breaking oneself or betraying oneself. How about evolution?

Living things evolve, if they don’t evolve they die, go extinct.

Psychologically speaking evolving is about becoming truly yourself so that you can live fully.

What does it mean to become truly yourself?

It is about spring-cleaning, decluttering your mental and psychological home.

It is about getting rid of what doesn’t serve you anymore (even if it served before) such as destructive beliefs, fantasies, illusions or ideals.

The key for self-evolution and individuation is evolving out of free will, which requires a certain level of maturity, taking responsibility for yourself, for self-creation.

Many of us know people who stopped evolving. What is common for those people? In my experience, stopping evolution leads to psychological and physical regression, stagnation and decay.

Many say that maturity, evolution or growth only comes from drama or grief. I disagree.

Yes, some of us are able to learn lessons, extract wisdom from challenging life situations, and some don’t, some keep stepping on the same rake over and over.

Creating challenging projects or taking trips to new places can be a healthy way to see your new facets of self, of developing new skills, getting new insights about self and the world. It can be a healthy productive creative way of evolving.

Many say say that maturity comes with time, age and that time cures. I disagree again. So many people stay stuck for decades ruminating about same thing over and over.

As Edith Eva Eger put it: “Time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we choose to take responsibility when we choose to take risks, and finally when we choose to release the wound, to let go of the past or the grief.”

Taking responsibility for psychological spring-cleaning is key to smooth evolution and to becoming authentic self.

We know that fear of failure, lack of confidence or information makes decision making difficult.

But what is the real driving force behind complicated decisions?

Difficult decisions are accompanied by emotions.

Emotions motivate us to take an action.

Without feelings and emotions, there is no action.

When we have a wish or a desire, we want to satisfy it.

If we face challenges on the way to satisfaction of that wish, we face frustration.

– If there is no desire, there is no problem.

– If a desire can be satisfied, there is no problem.

– If a desire can be easily given up, there is no problem.

We have a difficult decision when we have opposing forces within us that cannot be easily resolved.

It cannot be resolved with logical tools only.

There is an inner conflict between our logic and our emotions.

Sifting through our emotions will bring clarity of mind, which will illuminate optimal choices.

Daniel Kahneman, an Israeli-American psychologist and economist is known for his work on the psychology of judgment and decision-making. He talks about two brain systems: System 1 (reflexes, fast) and System 2 (reflection, slow).

The reflexive mode is a survivor mode, it is about impulses and reflexes. Fast decision making.

The reflective mode is explorative mode. Slow decision making.

Each of the modes has its pluses and minuses. Each can be beneficial or inefficient in certain situations.

Always making decisions slowly can deprive us of spontaneity.

Always making fast decisions can lead to many mistakes and irreparable regrets.

The reflexive mode is good for making routine decisions and the reflective mode is great when your choice will have a significant or long term consequence for your life.

Learning to recognize situations in which to use fast or slow decision modes will help avoid significant mistakes when the stakes are high.

Shame distracts us from important decision-making.

While healthy shame guides us toward self-correction, making amends, and growth, toxic shame is a debilitating feeling of worthlessness and self-loathing.

Toxic shame keeps us stuck, makes us prone to emotional abuse, makes us confused and despondent, all of which limits our decision-making abilities.

When you detoxify yourself from toxic shame, decision-making becomes easier and results bring greater satisfaction.

Understanding the reasons behind your decisions creates conviction in your choices.

Maturity is not a matter of age, it is a matter of how you choose to respond and react to various life situations.

We all go through developmental stages: infancy, early childhood, middle childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle adulthood and old age.

We all face challenges going through those stages, some of us are able to move on through them okay and some of us get stuck.

Each stage has its crises. Crisis is a normal state of life, it is part of our evolution. Each stage moves us forward and opens up opportunities for creativity and joy.

Endeavour allows us to evolve, and anything that evolves goes through a crisis and requires effort in order to get to the next developmental level.

The problem is that if we are unable to process our crisis emotionally in an optimal way we get stuck, this stuckness limits our life. It disrupts our ability to be successful in our undertakings, to have good relationships, to be confident and happy, to feel love and be loved, to make effective and clear decisions.

Unprocessed crises can be processed with guided help. You can get unstuck and move on, but only if you really want to get unstuck. No one can save you without your will, and you will need to put some effort in to go through stuckness.

Most people choose to stay stuck, walking in circles is familiar and predictable and reminds me of a poem by Portia Nelson, called Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.

I.

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I still don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

It isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there, I still fall in.

It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am.

I get out immediately.

IV.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V.

I walk down a different street.

So, what are you choosing?

Do you choose to process your unprocessed crisis, challenge or mistake that will make you more attuned to yourself and lead to more joy in your life or you choose to keep repeating making the same choices that bring the same unsatisfying results.

What is maturity for you?

Sometimes making a decision is difficult because we feel confused. One of the reasons for the confusion is symbiotic or entangled relationships. Symbiotic in terms of lacking emotional autonomy. We humans are herd animals and we are interdependent. We also are unique and need to find a way to connect with others while maintaining our individuality and autonomy.

At each stage of our development we go through different forms of symbiosis, symbiosis helps us mature and to gain more autonomy. Similar to Lev Vygotsky’s theory of learning and development, where he identified the Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD). ZPD represents the space between what a learner is capable of doing unsupported, what the learner can do with support and what the learner cannot do even with support. Thus, there are times when we need support and scaffolding until we get stronger and skilled to become autonomous. However, the problematic issue arises when the person is stuck in a symbiotic phase that no longer serves or empowers the person. On the contrary it limits growth. The main reason for this stuckness is fear of growing up, of taking responsibility for oneself, one’s needs, psychological well being and of making own decisions.

Some people confuse healthy autonomy with pseudo-autonomy, when they choose to never connect and get close to people or when they are showing off their pseudo-freedom, act ostentatiously, when in reality this behavior indicates that a person is engaging in a counterdependent relationship. Such people might be saying that they do not need anyone, that they value freedom and independence, but beneath such behavior often is anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment. These types of attachments lead to unhealthy symbiotic relationships not just with people, but with ideas or places, in such cases people become slaves, slaves of their own mindset.

Making decisions in a confused mind set will not bring fulfillment, but will bring more regrets.

Our current emotional state drives our decisions. It can either narrow our perspective or broaden it.

For example,

When we are in a state of euphoria we overestimate our abilities and underestimate the risks, we get blind, and later we regret choices we made.  For example, Peter Griffin, a character from Family Guy took an IQ test and while waiting for results, which he was sure would be fantastic, decided to hire a bulldozer to demolish his house to celebrate his genius.  When the test results came back it showed that actually Peter is not a genius, he is mentally retarded.  Allowing yourself to make a decision in the state of euphoria will bring dramatic consequences to the quality of your life.

When we are in a depressed state, we also have tunnel vision, we dramatize, catastrophize and make decisions that we also will regret.  The most devastated example of a decision in this state is when a person committs suicide, that person is finding “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

Then there is a blissful state, a state of calm joy. In this state we are able to see the broadest possibilities, we stop living in black and white world, and we are moving into a world of many shades, of rainbow options.  This is the state where we make the most optimal choices for ourselves.  This is a state where we are not manipulated, where we are not acting out of past trauma or unhealthy cravings.  It is a place where we are able to hear our heart, and our heart is able to communicate with our mind.

According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, eighteen – to twenty-five-year-olds felt that accepting responsibility for the consequences of your actions is one of four indicators of adulthood, and it is the most important of four criteria.

• How do you learn to take responsibility for your actions?

• How do you make your choices, your decisions?

• What Should Danny Do?

is an interactive book written by Adir and Ganit Levy, this book empowers kids with the understanding that their choices will shape their days, and ultimately their lives into what it will be. In our present we create our future. Some choices are small, some are big and can alter our life.

Ability to make choices, be accountable and responsible for their consequences is the key criteria of being an adult.

In stress we often regress and make choices based on patterns of behavior we learned in our childhood. Some of the patterns are infantile and destructive, some are adequate and healthy.

Choices we make under stress are a major indicator of our growth. Reacting adequately in stress is an indicator of our authentic growth and spirituality.

According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy “Behavior is normally described as altruistic when it is motivated by a desire to benefit someone other than oneself for that person’s sake. The term is used as the contrary of “self-interested” or “selfish” or “egoistic”—words applied to behavior that is motivated solely by the desire to benefit oneself.”

Ayn Rand, a writer and philosopher states that the basic principle of altruism is that man has no right to exist for his own sake, that service to others is the only justification of his existence, and that self-sacrifice is his highest moral duty, virtue and value. She points out not to confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible.

When we do something kind to someone we do not expect anything back, we do it for our own sake. Sometimes we do it effortlessly and spontaneously other times we exert effort and our time, but by doing something kind to others we benefit ourselves. Through kind acts we experience life’s meaning and fulfillment. By helping others we may feel important and valued, gain experience, use our skills, talents and gifts, all of which gives us life energy.

We often hear people label people, who meet their interests first, as egoists, but who is that self-centered egoist?

Egoist is one who wants other people to take care of his business, it is one who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his needs.

Egoist is one who emptied herself and now demands everyone else to take care of her.

Egoist is one who is irresponsible and infantile. For example, it is egotistical not to take care of your health and then demand others to take care of your health for you.

It is egoistical to deplete yourself of energy helping others and not being able to take care of your children.

When you take care of your needs, you free others to take care of theirs.

When you take care of your needs, you have a surplus of resources to authentically help people you care about and you do it without sacrificing yourself or your family, and without demanding the pay-off.

When you take care of your needs, you are not escaping facing your own challenges.

Taking care of others is a marathon, and not a sprint. You need energy to help others and the only way to maintain balance of your life energy is to take care of your needs first.

“An egoist is one who takes care of her needs instead of taking care of mine.” – N.D. Linde

Shame is a core feeling of being defective, which leads to social fear. A fear of rejection, of being ostracized. It is a social and self-conscious emotion resulting from feelings of personal inadequacy, humiliation, defeat, rejection, dishonor and disgrace.

Behind perfectionism, narcissism, procrastination, judgment, embarrassment, self-depreciation, low self-esteem, fear of making mistakes or fear of defeat lays shame.

Shame affects all areas of our lives.

It is one of the oldest known English words that originally meant to “hide or cover up.” We hide shame in fear of being wounded because shame is a very painful emotion. As such, shame is the hardest thing to deal with since it tends to be hidden and never addressed.

Trauma studies show that people feel shame for feeling shame.

Often people are not aware of their shame, but they experience it when they feel inferior, unimportant and impotent. When they disproportionately and inadequately devalue themselves. When they feel low self-worth or lose self-esteem. Shame harbors an enormous amount of anger and hate towards self and requires reclaiming and healing of identity.

Shame is a reason:

Why we do not allow other people to get too close to us

Why we are not very good on physical intimacy

Why we do not like parties

Why we have a lot of secrets

Why we have addictive behaviors

Often people mix up feelings of shame and feelings of guilt. Guilt focuses on what one has done. Shame focuses on who one is.

According to Greeks shame is a good tool to use to control low class people and guilt to control high class people.

Society and culture creates different ways of feeling shame by what is perceived as Ok/not OK. For example, body size, sexuality, type of work some do or affiliation with a particular culture.

The antidote to shame is dignity and self-respect. Dignity and self-respect is not about how I am better than others. It is about: I am valuable and you are valuable. The position: I am not better and not worse than you. It is about empathy, compassion and love of self. It is about personal responsibility for your feelings and about healthy boundaries. It is about responsibility to draw on your own strengths, find ways to use them and ways to further develop them.

Encanto turned out to be a deeply psychological cartoon, which made me think of the generational trauma many women have, who experienced hardship in life, and are passing on into new generations. It is a beautiful and musical cartoon with many psychological messages. It shows how the trauma of war affects several generations. And how the Madrigal family was able to heal their family by rebuilding the family’s foundation. It was challenging and required an open heart, open mind, courage and love, the gifts that Mirable had. It also beautifully illustrates the internal conflicts each family member is dealing with because of their desire to belong and their fear of being rejected from the family system.

Understandably to survive physically we develop qualities that increase our chances of survival. Some of those qualities are resilience, flexibility and optimism. Some are control, blindness and deafness to feelings of others as well as our own, sharpness, tightness, tunnel vision and tendency to jump to conclusions.

Alma Madrigal, the matriarch of the Madrigal family reminded me of many women I experienced growing up in Ukraine where many great grandmothers and grandmothers survived WWII. It also made me think of war in Ukraine right now and all the wars around the world that will have the same effect on women and their families generations to come.

Survival qualities will prevail and limit development of qualities that help people survive and thrive in peaceful times. Such qualities as savoring life, taking the time to smell roses, self-actualization and all other luxuries of peaceful life. Do you remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? Physiological and safety needs are at the foundation. The issue is that to feel safe and survive physically we need other people, we need to feel accepted in our tribe, in our family, in our community. Often this need to feel safe and fear of being rejected leads to rejection of self that later brings psychological and psychosomatic illnesses.

And it is not just a war that keeps us stuck in a survival mode. It can be other life’s hardships such as losses of loved ones, divorce, job loss, losses of livelihoods or any major life’s misfortunes. Such experiences are painful and require energy to process them, and when we are surviving physically we don’t have that energy and inner resources. We generally, unconsciously, choose to freeze, displace or suppress difficult feelings.

Unfortunately freezing painful feelings freeze other feelings too. Such feelings as tenderness and love are frozen or ousted just like feelings of fear, anger, sadness or hurt. It is impossible to suppress one feeling without suppressing others. This in turn leads to coldness and detachment, to closed hearts and narrow minds, to an overly controlling environment, where people are suffocating because they cannot be free out of fear of losing something or of being rejected.

For example, Pepa is stuck in her overwhelming feelings, she is unable to process them because family is pretending not to see her struggles, they do not accept her with all her feelings. Julieta, Mirabel’s mom, is tender and loving, but she is trying to avoid conflicts and doesn’t challenge destructive status quo dynamics of the family, but adequately addressing conflicts helps us set boundaries, bring growth and maturity. Bruno is expelled from the family because it is forbidden to tell the truth in the family, but healing is impossible without truth. Luisa is suppressing her vulnerability, her tiredness, her sensibility by being an all mighty savior and helper. She works hard to receive love from her family, but she is not seen for who she is and she feels hurt. Isabella is unable to be free, she is stuck playing an idealized role, meeting grandmother’s expectations. Meeting those idealized expectations is a heavy burden that keeps her constrained. Camilo is constantly adapting to fit expectations of others and as a result is unable to understand who he is himself.

Alma’s blindness and deafness to feelings of her family members, her expectations of them stifle them and they in turn become imprisoned by their family roles. Alma unwillingly broadcasts to the family that each of them is valuable to the family based on their contribution, not on their own. They have to serve the function their family has assigned to them. In peaceful times these roles and functions are limiting and don’t allow them to be who they really are. Love in her family is conditional, and is given as a payment for the service each member provides.

Mirable, the main character doesn’t have any tangible special gifts. She is suffering because she feels she cannot serve the family. To her this means she is not valuable to the family, she is useless. Nothing she does is good enough for her grandmother and she feels that she will never be able to gain her approval. Later she learns what her gift is and it is the ability to heal the whole family system, to challenge the status quo, to uncover the truth, to kindly and understandingly connect with each family member, to free family members of their overwhelming roles and expectations, and to rebuild the family system foundation.

At the end, Alma, grandmother reconciles with her granddaughter Mirable, who brought truth to the surface. Mirable in turn is able to understand her grandmother’s struggles she had to endure as a young mother. She says: “We were given a miracle because of you. We are a family because of you. And nothing could ever be broken that we can’t fix… together.”

“Look at this home, we need a new foundation

It may seem hopeless, but we’ll get by just fine

Look at this family, a glowing constellation

So full of stars, everybody wants to shine

But the stars don’t shine, they burn

And the constellations shift

I think it’s time you learn

You’re more than just your gift”

Encanto helps us understand our inherent worth and that our miracles are not magic, the miracle is inside each of us. And that there is a difference between motivation with which we adjust to societal norms. Our motivation can be healthy or unhealthy. Does your motivation to do things come out of a desire to shine and to express our full potential? Or does it come out of fear of being rejected or losing love? We can serve others because that brings us fulfillment or we can serve others because we want to please others. If we do the first we live our own life, if we do the second we feel burned out and are living the life of someone whose expectations we are trying to meet.

Conflict arises from differences, sometimes differences are large and sometimes they are small.

Conflicts arise each time people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas or desires. More people involved in a conflict, the harder it is to find a workable solution.

There are five main causes of conflict: information conflicts, values conflicts, interest conflicts, relationship conflicts, and structural conflicts.

Information conflicts arise when people have misinformation, incomplete, insufficient information or disagree on the validity or source of information.

Value conflicts arise when people’s actual or perceived belief system defers. For example, one might believe that gossiping is toxic and damaging, and another that it is a way to promote cooperation and self-improvement.

Interest conflicts arise when there is competition over actual or perceived incompatible needs. This is when one person wants to satisfy their own needs and sacrifice the needs of the other. This often happens due to inability to be open-minded and to create opportunities for mutual benefit. Narrow mindedness comes out of fear, insecurities and perceived loss of control as well as out of jealousy and envy.

Relationship conflicts arise when there is poor communication, misperception and strong negative emotions. Strong negative emotions in the current conflict are an accumulation of all the similar conflicts a person had experienced and was unable to resolve with dignity previously in their life. Those types of conflicts may go way back to their childhood and have little to do with the current situation.

Structural conflicts arise when there is power imbalance and one exerts oppressive behavior over others. For example, structural discrimination.

There is no way to solve a conflict if all parties involved do not want to find a mutually beneficial resolution.

There are people who are conflict creators. They are not interested in finding a resolution. Have you ever met a person, everywhere they go conflict arises? These people are seeking any kind of attention, even if it is a negative one. Often those are people who were invisible to a significant adult in their childhood. They are usually bored, discontent people. They are never quite happy with things around them and instead of facing their own challenges they drain their life energy to create conflicts. They do it to avoid facing something vulnerable inside themselves or in their family. Creating conflicts keeps them distracted from facing their uncomfortable and sometimes painful feelings. Conflict creators instead of developing their strengths and growing are stuck in conflicts that they create. They often have a victim mentality, are aggressive and blaming others for self-inflicted conflicts. They are going in circles damaging relationships around themselves and at the end falling into a deeper hole of desperation themselves. It is unfortunate, but they waste their own life and dignity to destroy the lives of others instead of living up to their own full potential. They are depriving themselves of their inner resources and of outside healthy enriching connections.

There are, however, people who truly want to find mutually beneficial solutions to a desagrement, there are whistleblowers and those who challenge the status quo. Those kinds of people are interested in shifting from fighting to a resolution finding. They offer solutions. They are not interested in destruction, they are interested in creation. Anyone can break, not everyone can make.

Finding the resolution involves clear communication and an authentic desire to collaborate, to hear each other, to be open-minded, to think together, to come up with possible creative solutions, to acknowledge the value and importance of everyone involved, and to bring closure to an issue.

Conflict resolution involves understanding, compassion, tolerance, creativity, flexibility and wisdom. And healthy resolution of the conflict develops resilience.

Following are requirements to finding healthy and creative resolutions:

• Define clearly the problem and terminology. For example, when we talk about the usefulness of gossiping, are we talking about positive, neutral or negative gossiping?

• Talk about values before anchoring on a solution.

• Work together to find a range of possible creative solutions.

• Explore the consequences of those solutions.

• And be aware of cognitive and unconscious biases.

• Are you an unnecessary conflict creator?

• What are your conflict styles?

• Do you have an accommodating, avoiding, compromising, collaborating or competing style?